Life in the 808

This is not the first time I've lived in the 808, but it's nice to be here! 808 has always treated me well.
The first time I lived in an 808 was in Hawaii - that was the telephone area code. And now, having moved - don't worry, we'll get to that part - my new address begins with 808. So it's almost like going back home.

Last time I blogged was in March. Now, granted, I do have another blog, and while I realize that blog is equally as 'findable' as this one - we are on the great big world wide web, after all - I feel a bit more comfortable on this one. It may have something to do with greater longevity at this web address, and because I've written a bit more about 'life' things than on the other.

Do I need to update you on my life? In all manners of speaking, really I don't. I have no clue how many people actually read this. I know I have a few real life friends who've mentioned they read my blog posts, but as to you anonymous internet junkies, I really have no clue who you are. (Though feel free to make your presence known, if in fact you exist!)

So why even continue blogging? The reason is several-fold.

For starters, I've gone back to school. College. It's about gosh darn time to have the Bachelor's in my worldly possession. Since apparently I can't get anywhere I really want to go without one. Oh well. Such is life. Keep swimming. The major is Applied Communication, and I've been reminded that keeping up on writing prowess is a good thing to have. Blogging definitely cannot hurt that realm.

Secondly, I've simply been craving writing. I've taken to journaling a deal, but a lot of it is anger, frustration, prayers (of probably selfishness), and sermon notes. Not that these are bad things; they're good things. But sometimes to urge to simply write a little faster strikes. Enter blog time.

Third, there are probably things I could say, want to say, should say, and wouldn't even think to say if it weren't for the blog. So, dear little digitalcough blog, thank you. I'm glad I have you.

So, What's New?
I've finally entered a phase of life I've been desiring for years. I got my own place just a few months ago. I can't say it's anything like I expected it was going to be.

I had lofty goals for myself by the time I reached this phase of life - having my own place. I was going to have a good job in another state (maybe the Carolinas, or somewhere even more midwest). Y'know, be able to live relatively comfortably, never have to worry about where or if the money was going to come, have health benefits, and be all graduated and starting a successful career where I had little to no snafus at work. I would have a reliable car, a wonderful group of friends, and maybe even a handsome Jesus-loving boyfriend. Who also made a comfortable living. I'm sure running was probably in there somewhere, but mostly I just saw myself with free evenings, and a fit and slender body with minimal effort to keep it that way.

And please note: Faith would be a portion of my life. Faith in God, faith in Jesus. Faith that they exist and are watching us, willing to talk with us.

What Does My Reality Look Like?
My reality looks nothing like my pie-in-the-sky dream. My reality is that I do have my own place, but it doesn't have a dishwasher, or in-sink disposal like I would have wanted. It is not modern, it is not chic. I have a vintage stove. Literally. Push buttons, friends, for the stovetop burner settings. I daresay my two appliances may even be older than I am. There is a community washer and dryer two floors below me. The dryer doesn't even dry that well. I've recently taken to just air drying my clothes.

As for the job? I make slightly above minimum wage at Chick-fil-A.  Several of my co-workers are high school students. I have next to no free evenings, as that is when I am the most available to work, due to being back in school. I have no health insurance here, no paid vacation, no 401k. I cannot say I can live (by some standards) comfortably. Fact: Money is tight, and I must spend it wisely if I'm to save any of it.  If I don't work, I don't get paid. It's as simple as that. I do not say this as a gripe, I say it because it's true. But I will make no bones about it: Chick-fil-A is a wonderful company to work for. Our store owner is perhaps one of the most selfless people I've ever met. It has been an honor to work for him, and I hope I may continue to do so, if only to see me through the remainder of this degree. The job has also been a huge blessing in the food budget. With each shift we work, we are privileged to also eat a free meal there.

I have the reliable car. My parents were gracious enough to purchase it for me, and make the payments. Everything else is my obligation. As it should be.

I do have the wonderful group of friends. And I know they come from my church. I do not have the Jesus-loving boyfriend. But my reality has, in fact, continued to reveal to me that I am an incredibly selfish person in this area. And as that would flow, it is, of course, the one area I am always struggling in. I continue chasing the person I so desire to be with. (Why do I desire this particular one? I don't know. But can any one of us really explain why we fall in love?) But my chasing has been failing. Either because it's not the right time, or he's simply not my person. Time will tell. I've felt particularly convicted about this recently. I hope to feel even more convicted about this in the coming days, weeks, months.

But then.... ahh, then. Then there is the faith. In my pie-in-the-sky, God is a portion of my life. Settled neatly into His box, and I can call on Him any time I need Him. If I need Him.

In my reality, God is in no box. A box is laughable. Rather, I am in the whole big mess we've made of our world. He sees the mess, and knows it's a mess, and still loves us intimately. I no longer call on Him when I want to. He calls me to make the world what He wants it to be. My opinions, my selfish desires aside. He is Lord. I shut Him out out of anger, because there are days when I still want my pie-in-the-sky. Particularly the boyfriend. And my selfishness looks around and complains that it's no fair that others my age have boyfriends, are getting married, and even have children by now.

But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Him. There is not a day when I would truly want to walk away from Him. He is my sustainer. He is the lover of my soul. He is the Deep that brings me revelation. He is with me wherever, and whenever I go. School, work, home, church, roads. Places I should go. And places I shouldn't.

I can speak this with confidence: In my reality, I love God so much more than I do in my pie-in-the-sky. Because in my reality, I know that He is alive, and I know that I need Him. And that His love and compassion are far greater than I ever imagined in my pie-in-the-sky. In my pie-in-the-sky, I'm relatively perfect.  I have very few sins that need forgiven. Very little redemption to receive.

In my reality, I know I'm a sinner. I've done things that feel utterly unforgivable. But also in my reality, I feel redemption I never fathomed in my pie-in-the-sky. God is unboxing Himself from my pie-in-the-sky and revealing Himself, in all His awesome Sovereignty, in my reality.  He is revealing an amount of grace I never thought possible. He is showing me what daily bread is. He is showing me what want is, and what need is. He is showing me the struggle, but more importantly, He's showing me that He loves me all the way through it.

And because of knowing that Love, I'll take my reality any day. Right here, in this 808 part of my life.