Discovering Identity

I'm twenty-five years old. Wiser, maturer (yes, I made that a word), a little more seasoned in life. I know things I'm glad I know. I also know things I'm sad I know. But many days, I still feel like a five year old. I still break down. I still cry. I still wonder if I can do this. Some days, I still just want to curl up in bed and wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life as it appears, to my eyes, to be going nowhere fast.

I'm afraid for much of my life, I've put so much of my identity into being a student. And it's scary to step outside of that mold (since it's not the only thing, by necessity, that defines my life any longer).

I purposely took fewer courses this semester so that the Lord could grow me, since that was His plan in placing me where I am. But I'm - being very vulnerable here - a little fearful. Why? Because my identity was in school. It was in furthering myself as the world demands I do.

I've purposely taken a step back from that. Counterintuitive. And - the clock is ticking - I already fit the nontraditional student model. (So what the heck am I thinking?! To the world, I'm wasting precious time.)

So I'm fearful of stepping back from what the world wants of me. But I want a new identity. One that won't crumble under fear or duress. One that will be less prone to cave to temptation. One that's more compassionately loving. One more forgiving. 

I want an identity, in short, that is more like Christ's. And once you know you've experienced His peace pouring over you, you know you want more.  And it wasn't church, or mentors, or peers, or parents who could impart this desire to me.

I just... do. I desire this. In my humanity, I cannot say that I desire this completely. But the Spirit desires this for my life. I've witnessed the Spirit working in my life, and seen it's true blessing enough to know that I want to keep on the journey with Him. And let's face it: Most, if not all, of my own ideas have pretty much failed me.

So. Let's begin, shall we?