Life in the 808

This is not the first time I've lived in the 808, but it's nice to be here! 808 has always treated me well.
The first time I lived in an 808 was in Hawaii - that was the telephone area code. And now, having moved - don't worry, we'll get to that part - my new address begins with 808. So it's almost like going back home.

Last time I blogged was in March. Now, granted, I do have another blog, and while I realize that blog is equally as 'findable' as this one - we are on the great big world wide web, after all - I feel a bit more comfortable on this one. It may have something to do with greater longevity at this web address, and because I've written a bit more about 'life' things than on the other.

Do I need to update you on my life? In all manners of speaking, really I don't. I have no clue how many people actually read this. I know I have a few real life friends who've mentioned they read my blog posts, but as to you anonymous internet junkies, I really have no clue who you are. (Though feel free to make your presence known, if in fact you exist!)

So why even continue blogging? The reason is several-fold.

For starters, I've gone back to school. College. It's about gosh darn time to have the Bachelor's in my worldly possession. Since apparently I can't get anywhere I really want to go without one. Oh well. Such is life. Keep swimming. The major is Applied Communication, and I've been reminded that keeping up on writing prowess is a good thing to have. Blogging definitely cannot hurt that realm.

Secondly, I've simply been craving writing. I've taken to journaling a deal, but a lot of it is anger, frustration, prayers (of probably selfishness), and sermon notes. Not that these are bad things; they're good things. But sometimes to urge to simply write a little faster strikes. Enter blog time.

Third, there are probably things I could say, want to say, should say, and wouldn't even think to say if it weren't for the blog. So, dear little digitalcough blog, thank you. I'm glad I have you.

So, What's New?
I've finally entered a phase of life I've been desiring for years. I got my own place just a few months ago. I can't say it's anything like I expected it was going to be.

I had lofty goals for myself by the time I reached this phase of life - having my own place. I was going to have a good job in another state (maybe the Carolinas, or somewhere even more midwest). Y'know, be able to live relatively comfortably, never have to worry about where or if the money was going to come, have health benefits, and be all graduated and starting a successful career where I had little to no snafus at work. I would have a reliable car, a wonderful group of friends, and maybe even a handsome Jesus-loving boyfriend. Who also made a comfortable living. I'm sure running was probably in there somewhere, but mostly I just saw myself with free evenings, and a fit and slender body with minimal effort to keep it that way.

And please note: Faith would be a portion of my life. Faith in God, faith in Jesus. Faith that they exist and are watching us, willing to talk with us.

What Does My Reality Look Like?
My reality looks nothing like my pie-in-the-sky dream. My reality is that I do have my own place, but it doesn't have a dishwasher, or in-sink disposal like I would have wanted. It is not modern, it is not chic. I have a vintage stove. Literally. Push buttons, friends, for the stovetop burner settings. I daresay my two appliances may even be older than I am. There is a community washer and dryer two floors below me. The dryer doesn't even dry that well. I've recently taken to just air drying my clothes.

As for the job? I make slightly above minimum wage at Chick-fil-A.  Several of my co-workers are high school students. I have next to no free evenings, as that is when I am the most available to work, due to being back in school. I have no health insurance here, no paid vacation, no 401k. I cannot say I can live (by some standards) comfortably. Fact: Money is tight, and I must spend it wisely if I'm to save any of it.  If I don't work, I don't get paid. It's as simple as that. I do not say this as a gripe, I say it because it's true. But I will make no bones about it: Chick-fil-A is a wonderful company to work for. Our store owner is perhaps one of the most selfless people I've ever met. It has been an honor to work for him, and I hope I may continue to do so, if only to see me through the remainder of this degree. The job has also been a huge blessing in the food budget. With each shift we work, we are privileged to also eat a free meal there.

I have the reliable car. My parents were gracious enough to purchase it for me, and make the payments. Everything else is my obligation. As it should be.

I do have the wonderful group of friends. And I know they come from my church. I do not have the Jesus-loving boyfriend. But my reality has, in fact, continued to reveal to me that I am an incredibly selfish person in this area. And as that would flow, it is, of course, the one area I am always struggling in. I continue chasing the person I so desire to be with. (Why do I desire this particular one? I don't know. But can any one of us really explain why we fall in love?) But my chasing has been failing. Either because it's not the right time, or he's simply not my person. Time will tell. I've felt particularly convicted about this recently. I hope to feel even more convicted about this in the coming days, weeks, months.

But then.... ahh, then. Then there is the faith. In my pie-in-the-sky, God is a portion of my life. Settled neatly into His box, and I can call on Him any time I need Him. If I need Him.

In my reality, God is in no box. A box is laughable. Rather, I am in the whole big mess we've made of our world. He sees the mess, and knows it's a mess, and still loves us intimately. I no longer call on Him when I want to. He calls me to make the world what He wants it to be. My opinions, my selfish desires aside. He is Lord. I shut Him out out of anger, because there are days when I still want my pie-in-the-sky. Particularly the boyfriend. And my selfishness looks around and complains that it's no fair that others my age have boyfriends, are getting married, and even have children by now.

But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Him. There is not a day when I would truly want to walk away from Him. He is my sustainer. He is the lover of my soul. He is the Deep that brings me revelation. He is with me wherever, and whenever I go. School, work, home, church, roads. Places I should go. And places I shouldn't.

I can speak this with confidence: In my reality, I love God so much more than I do in my pie-in-the-sky. Because in my reality, I know that He is alive, and I know that I need Him. And that His love and compassion are far greater than I ever imagined in my pie-in-the-sky. In my pie-in-the-sky, I'm relatively perfect.  I have very few sins that need forgiven. Very little redemption to receive.

In my reality, I know I'm a sinner. I've done things that feel utterly unforgivable. But also in my reality, I feel redemption I never fathomed in my pie-in-the-sky. God is unboxing Himself from my pie-in-the-sky and revealing Himself, in all His awesome Sovereignty, in my reality.  He is revealing an amount of grace I never thought possible. He is showing me what daily bread is. He is showing me what want is, and what need is. He is showing me the struggle, but more importantly, He's showing me that He loves me all the way through it.

And because of knowing that Love, I'll take my reality any day. Right here, in this 808 part of my life.

Reset

Disclaimer: A lot of my posts have been pertaining to running.  If you're not a runner, or don't at least have an appreciation for running (similar to my lack of appreciation for sports like football), I apologize.

Whether you know it or not, you know now: I am no longer on pace to run the full marathon for Canton. I had incurred (what I am believing is) another stress fracture - only this time in my other foot, though not nearly as severe as the first one I received back in November of 2010. Upon discovering this second fracture, I felt a bit let down.

(Sidenote: I'll never know for sure whether either of these injuries were truly fractures. As it would cost far too much in medical expenses for an accurate diagnosis. And then the doc would just tell me to do what I already know to do.  So, with that said...)

Fact: I wanted the full. But I realized I couldn't have it. At least not this time.

However, upon accepting this fact, I immediately began coming up with alternative ideas. It was mid to late February when I started staying off the foot so it could heal. I had to if I wanted any chance of running Canton at all.

It is now late March. The lack of running has been wearing on me (and I can see it manifested in the acne on my face; running is a surprisingly effective skin cleanser for me). However, I went out just a couple brief times this past week. Once on my own, and the second time with my wonderful friend, Diana. She was my first literal running buddy, and probably the first sister I learned I had at First Christian. I love her to pieces.

Sunday afternoon. Washington Square trail. I led.

I have never led someone at running before in my life. I told her this after the fact. She rejoiced with me on this - albeit, now, fairly trivial - fact. Please note: The only reason it's now trivial is because I've been able to run this distance for a while. I've simply never had another person running it behind me. We then continued to do a mile around the Walsh track.

Another first: Running a whole mile around the track. (Let's face it: When asked to do so in middle and high school, I couldn't.) Apparently, it's now the simple things in life that bring me joy. But shouldn't it always be that way?

I still marvel at the fact that I can run.  After years of believing I never would.

So, what's coming?  The Canton Half Marathon. Same venue, slightly different event. The best part? Diana and I have aspired to run a half together for over a year.

And now we get to!

Week One Down.

The Running Bit
I ran a mere fifteen miles last week for my first week of training.  Fifteen miles.  I'm sorry - WHAT?!

Even after being a runner for a solid year now (and one that stopped taking walking breaks - for the most part - a good six months ago), I still can't get over the fact that I absolutely love it!

I am in continual shock and awe that God would bless me with such a love of running.

But even more - I am so completely ecstatic to earn that finisher's medal.  Just so I can throw it down and give Him the glory for it.  I still come back from each and every run saying to the Lord,  "Yeah, that was all you.  Ain't no way I coulda done that."

The Work Bit
I am fast falling in love with my new job.  I've learned a lot even the first week, and I'm stoked to start diving into more.  I don't think we've quite reached "in our groove" status yet, as we're still in the training process.  But it's only a matter of time.  Oh yes.

I've got forty-one hours between both places of employment this week.  Twenty-six of those hours will be worked on Tuesday and Thursday this week.  But I'm excited.  The days I'm not working, I will finally get to experience the concept of "working from your rest", not "resting from your work".

Conceiving A Marathon

I believe it first occurred to me as a sixth grader the concept of the marathon.  I don't think I knew just how long a marathon was.  I don't believe I knew anyone who'd completed a whole marathon (or if I did, they were a mere acquaintance).  And because I didn't know either of these two things, neither did I have any concept of just how long training for a marathon might take.  The preparation, the research, even the simple (or not so simple) concept of running, literally, hours at a time.

One thing I did know about the marathon?  I would eventually have to run one.  Call it fate, call it a weird subconscious light bulb, call it a sick challenge, call it God (which, I now am), I knew I would run one someday.

And to an out-of-shape sixth grader with self-image issues, that is a daunting - nay completely inconceivable - thing.  Me?  The out-of-shape, can't-even-run-a-quarter-mile-without-running-out-of-breath girl, who detested the locker room more than anything else all throughout grade school?  The one who turned beat red at even minor physical exertion?  But the ultimate crux: The one who absolutely hated running? That one?

Yes.  THAT ONE.  Of course, at the time, I saw it as having to run it.  I was scared of it.  Because I wasn't ready for something that crazy.

Twelve years later, I've grown.  I've learned a lot - academically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  I've experienced a lot - some things I never in a million years thought I'd actually get to experience.  Then again, some things I never in a million years wanted myself to experience.  But I have to count all of them, good and bad, as joy.  As it is perhaps because of the less desirable situations that I really grew.

Twelve years later, I'm ready.  And it is quite conceivable that this is the perfect time to run a marathon.  So, figuratively speaking, I am conceiving today.  The first official training week begins today.  It's going to be a relatively short pregnancy: 18 weeks.  Four months of training for a full marathon.  And it's probably going to be the most grueling four months of my life to date.

But I've never been more ecstatic to experience a birth; my own, in still many more ways, really.

All I can say to that little sixth grade girl now is this: It's a good thing you only saw that first marathon.  You'd probably have flipped a lid if you saw how many more I'm now looking forward to after that one.

Light Me Up

Previously.
I've entered interviews with, more or less, some amount of trepidation.  The trepidation stemmed mostly from the overbearing question in my head of, "Wait.... do I really want to be taking this job if they offer it to me?"

As in - is this job really what I'm being called to do?  And for the most part, I can't say many of them were.  They've been "ready-go-kill-time" jobs.  Up until now.  And oh does God have strange and beautiful ways of making things work.

The Lead Up.
Upon meeting with Scott Rosen, the Senior Pastor of First Christian Church, to gain clarity and perspective from the "I am not invincible" situation (please note a couple posts previous), he also happened to ask if there was anything else going on in my life.

"Well," I admitted, "I need a job." (Please note: I do currently have a part-time job.  One that I love dearly.  But it simply doesn't have anything to do with the degrees I now hold.)

So would you know it? First Christian happened to be on the search for an assistant to the Worship and Communications Pastor.  Scott encouraged me to submit a resume.  I did that afternoon.  Now, I'll be the first to admit: I only had a marginal clue of what I might be getting myself into.  What, exactly, could working for the Worship and Communications Pastor entail?  All I knew at the moment was that I love praise and worship.  And - lucky coincidence - my vocational training happens to be in communications.  So what could they possibly end up asking of me?  I wasn't really worried about it.  At all.

Interview Day Came.
The day was a balmy 55 degrees - and so gloriously sunny! And I still wasn't worried about the interview.  At all.  And generally I fret a little about what outfit I'll wear to the interview.  Yeah, none of that on this particular day.  My one lingering question was what they'd possibly be requiring of me for this job.  But, linger as it may, it didn't eat at me as other potential positions have.

I was happy to drive with my windows cracked on the way over to the church.  We sat in the cafe and broke the ice a little with some discussion of marathon running - (always a pleasant discussion!) - and then the questions began.

And with each passing question I became more and more excited about wanting the job.  Every single thing he asked me resonated so freely and wonderfully.  Would I be good with using InDesign?  Can I edit?  Can I write copy and organize articles in such a way that would be best for the audience we're trying to reach?  Do I have any knowledge of PHP and DIV tags? Do I know WordPress?  What was one of my most favorite things I've done professionally in the past?  (Designing graphics for a previous employer. ) Which is good - because that will also be required.

Yes.  And yes.  And yes.  And yes.  And more yes.
Absolutely everything we discussed cried amazement to me.  Could I really be this lucky?  Could I finally be looking at a job that would allow me to use my training from both degrees I hold, and - most importantly - be working for The One Person I've always had an ingrained desire to work for?

God, You light me up.
That evening, a good friend took just one look at me and commented, "You are glowing!"  I didn't quite realize I was until she said it.  Which made me glow all the more.  And the very next evening - I received a phone call from a familiar number I'd called just a day previously to double-check on an interview time.

So guess who's got a new job?  But more importantly, guess who's never been happier in her life?  I'm thinking about the ten best days in my life.  I'm thinking yesterday, when I got the call, is officially on that list.

Marathon Conditioning

I've already trained for a half marathon.

Back in September and October, I trained to run the Stomp the Grapes Half Marathon.  I did not end up actually entering the race. (Ultimately because I discovered it would cost only slightly more to run a full marathon, so I decided to save money.) However, I followed the training through as best I could.  So, I can honestly say I have successfully run 10 miles nonstop.  This is complete fact.  And I couldn't stop smiling at the end of it.  (Granted, the next week, when the long run called for 12 miles, I hit a wall halfway through.  But I chalk this up to having not eaten enough, and not wearing the exactly proper attire.)

I am much more prepared because of the half training.

I've since invested in more cold weather running gear.  And a gym membership.  Since, after all, I do live in Ohio: the land not of seasonal climates, only day-to-day weather fluctuations.  With the gym, I'll have absolutely no excuses when the weather is iffy.  And, with the gym, I'll be able to do things I couldn't before, such as seeing how long I can maintain a given pace when all my other variables are controlled. And I can include strength training (which, since I started my whole weight loss journey, has been sorely lacking).

I've been in conditioning for a week.

Which means I've been stricter on my calorie intake, and exercise routine.  I'd chunked on around 10 pounds over December and January. (Christmas cookies, you're really tasty.) But, I'm happy to report I've already lost 2 - 3 pounds from this past week.  I've got about two more weeks of conditioning.    Then, mid-February, the REAL training begins.

Fact 5: Most people who train for marathons do not lose significant amounts of weight.

My goal is to be in the category of trainees who do lose weight.  While I've already been told by a couple people that I don't need to lose any more weight (bless their hearts; it does often feel good to hear that), the fact is I'm still about 50 pounds from my goal weight (and, by traditional BMI standards, still rank in the 'obese' category).  If I train properly, and God is with me in this goal, I could be within 15 pounds of my goal weight by race day.

I am stoked beyond all getout about this.

After thinking I'd lost all desire to run the full near the end of 2011 (it was not a happy few days; I was at the core of brokenness), I've come back from those days. It was not without a lot of prayer from friends. (Thank you!!)  The marathon I am running begins at 6 a.m. on June 17th, 2012, in Stadium Park.  It will be Canton's inaugural marathon - and it will also be my inaugural marathon.  There are so many people excited about this event - and I am thrilled that so many of my own friends and acquaintances are as well.

I will do this. "Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training." (1 Corinthians 9:25)

I'm not saying it will be easy.  It will take a lot of time.  There will be early mornings, and late evenings.  Lots of oatmeal breakfasts (and I do not typically gravitate to oatmeal), and research/experimentation with Gu gel.  Water, and rarely soda. Tears from bad training days, and frantic research on new potential injuries (though, Lord willing, these days will be few).  And you'd better believe there will be prayer.  I've known, even since running my first full mile without stopping, that I'd need His help on this. Daily.

Finally - there will be daydreams.

Daydreams about just enjoying the race, and trying not to focus on how many miles are still in front of me. Maybe running with other friends as they complete their relay legs. Cheers from the sidelines. But mostly, I'm thinking about crossing that finish line.  And I'm trying to see my face when it happens.  Right now, I can't.  But I do know what I'll be feeling.

I am STOKED!

Things I've Learned About Myself

I am content with where I am, job-wise.
I used to think I needed one of those awesome high-paying, benefits-providing, finally-get-my-own-place jobs right out of the college graduation gate. (And that I was a failure if I didn't have one.)  But the fact is: That is not our economy right now.  But God is in control of this area in my life, too.  Only recently have I begun to be content with that, and to let myself consider job avenues I would have previously turned down cold.  They're already proving highly encouraging.  (Read: There may be new developments fairly soon on the horizon!)  And this isn't to say I don't want my own place.  I do.  However, please note the next item.

I am finally learning patience.
And I'm learning how to be content with it.  Previously, I was only impatient with being handed the lesson of patience.


I am not invincible.
Up until quite recently, I had the mentality that because I have a relatively strong faith, I wouldn't be attacked by the evil one. Wrong. In the last months of 2011, I was pursued by someone I never anticipated being pursued by.  He is, in many respects, an admirable person.  Thus the reason I fell for him.  However, Satan's greatest weapon is intermingling lies between what would otherwise be great truth. The fact is, it was a toxic relationship for many reasons.  My greatest hope is that God's glory will be revealed through it and that everyone involved will be washed clean in the blood.


I know I'm a sinner now.
Per the 'invincible' situation, I can honestly say I'm in need of God's grace.  Before it, I'd never done anything I, myself, considered truly bad.  I'd never felt tested, challenged, or tempted like I had.  Moreover: I had never given in to it before.  The high of caving to flesh desires is thrilling.  But the crash is painful.  I've never experienced such pain in my life before.  But, I am encouraged, the pain only comes because of spirit desire.

I am developing an awareness of flesh desires versus spirit desires.
I've gleaned limited head knowledge of this concept before.  But again, due to recent events, I've been able to experience real-world application.  Friends, the struggle is a truly fascinating, complicated, challenging, beautiful thing.  The best way I can describe it is that God and Satan are having it out, and you're the battleground.  I would say that you can try to fight with one side or another, but really, as I understand at present, I'm thinking you can't.  It comes down to who has a stronger hold on you at the time.

I want to be pursued.
By the right person.  At the right time.  By the man God truly wants me to be pursued by.  And I want to fall for him for my whole life.  I want to be ready for marriage, not just infatuated with the idea of it. I want to have no regrets about who I marry.  I want to be unabashedly in love with him.  I want us to rejoice together in God on the ups, and cling to Him on the downs.  I want to venture through this life knowing that we're in it together.  Until death.


Jesus really DOES love me.  And you.
For whatever reason, reading a book about hell opened my eyes to how much Jesus loves us.  Yes, I've been told this numerous times before.  But through this particular book, it sank in.  It isn't yet a deep, deep, fully matured sinking in.  But I'm hopeful this revelation will grow.


Jesus also thinks I'm beautiful.
A dear friend of mine gave me the book 'Captivating'.  I'd heard of it before, had read reviews, and had developed my own mixed opinions on it.  Conclusion: Don't knock it until you read it.  I thought I would be completely turned off by it.  But it gave me some wonderful insight I'd never considered before.  I have to say this: Never before in my life have I thought I was truly beautiful.  But knowing that Jesus thinks I am gives me hope that one day I will know and accept this for myself.  I am already beginning to.

I crave reading.
I've had aspirations for a couple years now of digging into Christian literature.  Only within the past few weeks has it begun to happen.  (It's made me consider getting a Kindle, though that's another discussion.)  Long story short: I'm loving it!  I'm craving it.  And because I'm craving it, it's causing me to crave getting into the Word more too. (Which, unfortunately, still somewhat has that undeserved stigma of 'boring!' attached to it.  Gotta kick that.)

I have a 'doubting Thomas' complex.
Whenever I read (even scripture), there is a disconnect between my reality and what I'm reading.  For years I've read various scripture passages, and have thus gained a fairly sizable amount of head knowledge.  And while I believe my prayers are true, for whatever reason, I still have reservations when going about day-to-day activities.  I don't doubt His existence.  I do believe He came and will come again.  But there's still a huge part of my reality that asks, "Wait... really?"  I don't know how to explain it other than I'm like Thomas.  Even though I believe God has placed the faith, the hope, the seed of belief in my heart, there is still a part of me that will only be truly convinced of God's true presence once I see the proof.  But again - the recurring theme is hope.  Hope that I will grow in knowledge and belief of the one Truth.


I want more blog readers.
Yes, shameless plug, I know.  If you're a Facebook friend that found this, let me know.  I would love comments!  (And I also want to follow your blog if you've got one.)